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Useful Golf Book: 2nd Edition

By: Chris Kretz


by Chris Kretz

Editor's Note: Chris Kretz is at it again with another hilarious edition of his "Useful Golf Book," a necessary component of every golfer's arsenal. Chris delivers 72 more tips, including such winners as: "Why You Take Perfect Practice Swings Before You Chunk Your Shot," "Why Trees Are 90% Air But You Always Hit the 10% That's Not," and the ever-popular, "How To Hit From One Bunker to Another." Enjoy this second batch of golfer guffaws from our correspondent in north-central Wisconsin. (For Kretz's first edition, visit Cybergolf's Book Reviews section.)

1. Maximizing Distance with the No-Look Foot Wedge

2. A Beginner's Guide to Cart Skidding: Gravel vs. Asphalt

3. How to Pretend Like You Give a Damn When Looking For Someone Else's Lost Ball

4. "That'll Play," "There's an Opening Up There,' "I Think You're Okay" and Other Bullshit Encouragement After You Duck Hook Your Drive

5. How to Convince Your Wife that Winning a $5 Nassau Justifies Spending $100 on Green Fees and Beers

6. Why Holing Out for a 9 on your Fourth Bunker Shot Doesn't Count as a "Sandie"

7. How To Lose $50 on the Golf Course and Still Feel Like a "Winner"

8. Seven Stellar Poses While Leaning On Your Putter

9. How to Properly Identify That One Shot That Ruined Your Entire Round

10. The Art of Identifying Ground Under Repair That Isn't Marked Ground Under Repair

11. Why You Use a Piece-of-Shit Ball on a Water Hole But Will Gladly Launch Brand New Balls Deep Into the Woods

12. How to Leave Downhill Putts Short

13. How to Miss a Gimme and Take It Anyway Knowing You Would Have Made It if You Were Trying

14. Why You Have to Take At Least Seven Practice Swings when Under a Tree And Still Hit a Branch in Your Back Swing

15. Why You Take Perfect Practice Swings Before You Chunk Your Shot

16. Why You "Play It Safe" off the Tee With an Iron And Still Hit Your Ball Deep in the Woods

17. Why You Always Find 20 Year Old Top-Flites In The Woods when Can't Find Your New Titleist

18. Why Your Putter Would Be Better Suited Shoved Up Your Butt Than Used On The Green

19. Why You Drink Less When the Beer Chick Is Ugly

20. Why You Feel Completely at Ease Wearing Saddle Shoes on the Course but Wouldn't Be Caught Dead in Them in Public

21. Why Out-Of-Bounds Should be Played as a Lateral Hazard

22. Why Trees Are 90% Air But You Always Hit the 10% That's Not

23. Why You'll Spend Five Minutes Wandering Aimlessly On The Tee Box Looking For A Broken Tee Because You Don't Want To Waste A Good Tee

24. Where You Can Stick That Ball Retriever

25. Why You're Consistently Late for Work but Never Late for Your Tee Time

26. Why It's Okay for You to Use Your Cell Phone on the Course but It's Not Okay for Anyone Else to Use Theirs

27. Why You Can't Hit a Ball off of Perfectly Groomed Grass but Think You Can Hit a Ball Submerged in Water

28. The Compensating Strategies of Aiming 50 Yards Left so You Can Hit Your Ball 50 Yards Right

29. How To Hit From One Bunker to Another

30. Why You Don't Need to Hit Any Other Club on the Range But Your Driver

31. Tips To Keep The Conversation Going While Your Group Watches You Take Your Third Walk Across The Green To Chip Again

32. Why You'll Spend Hundreds of Dollars on Videos and Training Aids but Won't Spend Fifty Bucks on a Lesson

33. How To Memorize the Putting Contours Of Your Living Room Carpet During the Winter Months

34. Why You Have the Right To Bitch About Your Game Even Though You Only Play Three Times a Year

35. Why You Think a "Best Ball" Competition Is the Same as a "Scramble"

36. Why You're a Pro on the Range And a Hack on the Course

37. Why the "Cart Paths Only" Rule Only Applies to Holes Within View of the Clubhouse

38. Why You Have Never Had a Lesson but Feel You Can Give Anyone a Swing Tip

39. Tricks to Getting Pine Tar and Road Rash Off Your Golf Ball

40. How To Hood Your Driver Even More to Help Decrease Your Horrible Slice

41. How To Bitch at Yourself After Picking Your Head Up - Again

42. How Many Times You Should Whiff When Trying to Hit Your Golf Ball Baseball-Style with Your Putter Before Giving Up

43. How To Talk Yourself Into Hitting Multiple Tee Shots in the Water

44. Why You Never Hook the Ball Unless There Is Out Of Bounds Left (or right for you lefties)

45. Why Those Nice Little Baskets of Dirt With Scoops On The Tee Boxes Are Just for Decoration

46. Why Bumping Into Your Opponents' Cart When Approaching The Tee Is STILL Funny

47. The Joys of Always Playing With That One Guy Who Never Sees Where His Ball Went

48. How To Turn $1,200 Worth of Golf Equipment Into a $25 Garage Sale Item

49. How To Hold Back Your Frustrations When Your Twosome Is Paired Up With A Couple of Jackasses

50. How To Talk Yourself into Trying a Shot That Is Not Possible

51. How To Tell A Friend That His Cute Little Home-Made Head Cover Is The Dumbest Thing You've Ever Seen

52. How To Interrupt Another Group's Game by Asking Them if They Saw Your Drive Go Through Their Fairway

53. How To Use a Putter From 20 Yards Off The Green Because You're Clueless With a Sand Wedge in Your Hands

54. How To Have a Great Lie and Find an Opening to the Green from 50 Yards Deep in the Woods

55. How To Correctly Pace Off the Yardage When Your At Least Three Bad Shots Away from the Green

56. How To Hit a Worm-Burner Off the Tee With the Wind at Your Back

57. How To Hit a Pop-Up Into a Stiff Wind

58. Why You Have Dozens of Ball Mark Repair Tools Sitting on Your Dresser at Home and Still Use a Tee to Repair Your Ball Mark

59. How To Correctly Choose Between Using Your First Drive Or Your Mulligan

60. How To Practice Your Golf Swing Without A Club While Standing Alone In Your Office

61. Conversation Topics for Group Pees in the Woods

62. Why You'd Rather Withstand Excruciating Gut Pains and Head Sweats for the Last Seven Holes Than Risk Taking a Dump in a Porta-John

63. How To Compile Nassaus, High-Low Totals, Carryovers, Presses and Snake Pits from One Scorecard

64. Why The Guy Who HAS to Keep Score Always Has to Ask What Everyone Got on the Last Three Holes

65. How To Go Over the Rules for Using a Mulligan Prior to Teeing Off

66. How To Correctly Replace A Three Foot Divot

67. Why You Should Always Ask "How Did That Not Go In?" After Lipping Out a Putt

68. How To Slam Your Driver into the Ground Without Snapping It in Half

69. How To Hit a 30 Yard Drive on a Par-5

70. How To Correctly Stretch Your Neck and Lift Your Head as You Approach a Sand Trap with the Hope of Seeing Your Ball Lying Short of It

71. How To Use Mulligans, Give Yourself Free Drops, Exercise "Winter" Rules, Pick Up Four Footers And Still Post a Valid Score

72. Why Your Handicap Is Your Brain and Not the Number On Your Card

Chris Kretz lives and works in north-central Wisconsin and was lucky enough to grow up across the street from the golf course his family owned. Instead of following his brother's path of choosing an obvious career in golf, Chris became an accomplished graphic artist and designer. He now his own graphic design & printing business called Artshow Graphics LLC (www.artshowgraphics.com). When he's not at work or spending time with his family, Chris is trying to improve his golf game and lower his current 8 handicap. You can send your comments directly to Chris at ckretz@charter.net.