Useful Golf Book


Editor's Note: We get a lot of emails from people from around the world, but one of the most humorous we've received in awhile came this week. The original 16 chapters to this "Useful Golf Book" contained only 16 chapters. But Chris Kretz, the Customization Manager for Footlocker.com/Eastbay in Wisconsin, added another 56 to comprise this tidy "par-72" total. Thanks to Chris and Dr. John Wagner of Seattle for forwarding this on to us.

Useful Golf Book - Full Edition

Chapter 1: How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2: How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3: How to Avoid the Water When You Lie Eight in a Bunker

Chapter 4: How to Get More Distance Off the Shank

Chapter 5: When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6: Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7: Crying and How to Handle it

Chapter 8: Proper Excuses for Drinking Beers Before 10 a.m.

Chapter 9: How to Rationalize a Six-Hour Round

Chapter 10: How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 11: Why Your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th Hole

Chapter 12: How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome

Chapter 13: How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee

Chapter 14: When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 15: God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three-Putt

Chapter 16: When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 17: How To Blame Everything But Your Swing For Your Bad Score

Chapter 18: How To Play Five Different Betting Games To Make Sure You At Least Break Even

Chapter 19: Why You Feel the Need To Tell the Group What You Did Wrong On That Last Shot

Chapter 20: How To Tick Off the Beer Chick With Crude Fun-filled Jokes

Chapter 21: Why The Beer Chick Doesn't Think You're Hot But You Think She Does

Chapter 22: Why You Should Keep Bitching About The Snowman You Had Yesterday

Chapter 23: Why Running Over An Opponents Ball is STILL Funny

Chapter 24: Why Loosening Your Opponents' Bags On The Cart So They Fall Off is STILL Funny

Chapter 25: How To Determine Exactly When Your Opponent Deserves A Good Head Slap

Chapter 26: Why Courses That Don't Offer Hot Dogs At the Turn Need To Be Napalmed

Chapter 27: How To Get The Perfect Echo From Your Screaming Swear Words

Chapter 28: The Hidden Glory Of A Three-Putt Par

Chapter 29: How To Misread A Putt Correctly

Chapter 30: The Essence Of Talking To Yourself After Bad Shots

Chapter 31: Why Farting In Your Opponent's Backswing is STILL Funny

Chapter 32: Why Golfers Who Misquote "Caddyshack" Should Be Maimed

Chapter 33: How To Three-Putt From Five Feet With Class

Chapter 34: The Benefits Of Not Giving A Shit After Awhile

Chapter 35: How To Save Triple-Bogey After Taking Three Out Of The Trap

Chapter 36: What's With All The Damn Mosquitoes?

Chapter 37: How To Hold Your Beer Buzz When Your Swing Finds Its Groove

Chapter 38: Take Years Off Your Life - The Fine Art Of Chili-Dipping

Chapter 39: How To Hide The Droplets That Soak Through Your Pants After You Pee In The Woods

Chapter 40: Why You Can't Hit A Green From 50 Yards But Think You Can Punch Through A 10-Inch Space Between Two Trees

Chapter 41: Newly Established Rules For The Mulligan

Chapter 42: Detailed Breakdown Of Why You Suck So Bad

Chapter 43: "FORE" And Other Optional Phrases

Chapter 44: How To Make Double-Bogey After Slicing Two Fairways Over

Chapter 45: How To Swing Even Harder After Back-To-Back Triple-Bogeys

Chapter 46: How To Apologize For Talking During An Opponent's Swing For The Umpteenth Time

Chapter 47: Reasons Why It's The Club's Fault And How You Can Throw It Farther

Chapter 48: How To Properly Offer Rulings When You Don't Have A Clue

Chapter 49: How To Mess Up A Hole After A Perfect Drive

Chapter 50: Why You Own The Best Equipment Made Today And Aren't Any Better Than You Were 20 Years Ago

Chapter 51: How To Drill Your Putt Eight Feet Past The Hole And Then Complain About It Not Breaking

Chapter 52: How To Unsuccessfully Hold In Laughter When Your Opponent's Wheels Have Completely Fallen Off

Chapter 53: Flop Shots, Punch Fades, Hooded 3-Irons And Other Shots You Have No Right To Try

Chapter 54: How To Call Out A Sandbagger Without Calling Out Yourself

Chapter 55: How To Break 80 Without Ever Seeing A Fairway

Chapter 56: Why Bartenders Who Don't Have Hot Dogs Ready When You Make The Turn Deserve A Head Slap

Chapter 57: 10 Ideas How To Get All Those Frickin' Geese Off The Fairways

Chapter 58: Why Spit Can Take Mud Off Your Club Or Ball But Can't Get Ketchup Out Of Your Shirt

Chapter 59: Why People Who Play Bingo-Bango-Bongo Should Stay In Florida

Chapter 60: How To Forget Everything You Just Learned From A $50 Lesson Within Five Minutes

Chapter 61: Why Most Golfers Who Play The Blue Tees Should Be Playing The Red Tees

Chapter 62: How To Cordially Hit Into The Guy Ahead Of You While He Shows His Wife What She's Doing Wrong After Her Third Whiff

Chapter 63: How To Get Through The Rest Of The Round When You Have To Poop Really Bad

Chapter 64: How To Blow Someone Off Who HAS To Tell You About Every Shot He Hit The Last Time He Played

Chapter 65: Why Watching A Left-Handed Golfer Is So Annoying To A Right-Handed Golfer

Chapter 66: How To Try Out More Than A Dozen Putters Over A Summer And Still Not Realize You Just Can't Putt

Chapter 67: Why Jumping On A 9-Iron Is Better Than Choking Up On An 8-Iron

Chapter 68: Why You Should Ask Someone "Where's The 150?" On Every Hole

Chapter 69: Why Other People's Golf Stories Just Aren't As Good As Yours

Chapter 70: Why You Should Always Yell "Get Up" Even Though You Very Well Know You're Shot Has No Chance Of Making It To The Green

Chapter 71: Why You Should Always Yell "Sit Down" While Your Skulled Chip Screams Over The Green

Chapter 72: How To Replay Your Round To Others, Taking Away All Your Bad Shots And Three Putts So You Can Justify Why You Should Have Shot A 72


CBS Sports Official Partner